The Truth Behind Uncrustables Sandwiches

Is it all it's cut out to be?

The Smucker’s brand name has always been trustworthy in the USA as a sign of quality and truth in advertising, for who has not themselves put to test the Smucker’s challenge? To be sure, with a name like Smucker’s it has to be good. But with the latest line of Smucker’s latest bout as a major sponsor of the athletes in the Rio Olympics, one must wonder about the quality and authenticity of the main product they will be donating to our American athletes, the Uncrustable sandwich.

The Uncrustable sandwich is most recognizable for it’s rounded shape, though bread is most famously square, and the jelly filling inside. Of course, it’s namesake derives from the fact that though it is made from bread and is a sandwhich, it appears to not only have no crust, but never have had crust at any point in it’s life as a food product. We bring in professionals to put Smucker’s to the test to discover whether it is truly “crustworthy”

Professor Hitchling of Oxford University responded to us after reaching out, and found “There is no proof that this bread was ever cut from any crust whatsoever. Most likely, the bread has been baked in such a way that it is most comparable to a ‘test tube baby,’ being more of a scientific achievement than a culinary feat. It is over processed, white bread designed for a very specific purpose in a factory in North Carolina” He went on to say, “What interests me most about the line of Uncrustable products is not the product itself but People Informer’s reaching out for my expertise on the matter, as it makes no f****** sense what so ever someone would write an article like this,”

But can we fully trust the Professor’s expertise? We here at People’s Insider went beyond the pale in doing our duty as journalists, and have come to the Smucker’s Uncrustable’s factory to sniff out for more clues. Upon being kicked out of the factory after repeated attempts of breaking in, we instead dug through their dumpsters and trash cans lining the facility, and much to our chagrin, found no such trace of any crust; Whole wheat, white or other wise.

So, for the Olympians honoring the star spangled banner in Rio, the Uncrustables seem to be all that their Smucked up to be. But we promise to remain vigilant, and continue our research into the validity of this promise of an Uncrustable sandwich, that for many, seems to good to be true.

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